Ha-nee, just a vonce?- An Intro to Papa Stories

Papa is obsessed. He is obsessed with marrying me off. Every so often I hear "Oy, Mirian" (Papa can't pronounce my name properly in English, as his accent is heavy with the sounds of Mother Russia), "ven am I going to a see my gramchilrens from za you, ah?" Back in his day, if you weren't married by the time you were 20, and then most often divorced and remarried by 25, something was wrong with you.

Before I hit 30, I didn't hear those words very often, as he was being patient. My aunt who is only 10 years older than I am, didn't get married until she was 30, and then produced beautiful cherub-like twin boys. So Papa realized, "Oh-kay, so dis iz da Americanize vay, so, Oh-kay, I vait." However, on October 21, 2007, that all changed. I turned 30, was unattached, with no plans on getting attached anytime soon. Panic set in, and Papachka hurled himself on a mission. Weekly, he had someone for me, and our conversations began to start with"Mirian, I met it a nice boy, he iz a hardvorking, and he is from za (insert here: St.Petersburg, Odessa, Kiev, etc.), and he iz vorking here. Making a goooot money."

A sharp intake of breath, then the routine follow up to that comment commences:
"How long has he been here, Pop?"
" Maybe just a few years. But hiz Engleesh is a OK."
Another sigh...
"I bet he needs papers."
His reply, "Oh Ohh.... I must check."
"Pop, NO. N - O. NO! NYET"
"Ok, okayyy .. I von't push."

One week later: "Mirian, I met it a nice boy..." I cut him off briskly, looked him in the eyes, and then the usual song and dance.

But this time, Papa is ready for battle.
"Marishka, he is good man. He used to have his own hair place in ze Manhattan! (this is a big deal, its Manhattan!). But he had some troubles and he iz a work here in ze area where I live. Haz car, speaks ze Engleesh goot, and he haz da PAPERS!". Papa feels particularly triumphant at this point.
"Papa, a hairdresser?"
"No, no.. iz barber."
"Papa..........................."
"Ha-nee, vat do you have to loose? Just a vonce."

I am defeated, I succumb, as he's right. What do I have to lose? Maybe he will finally leave me alone if I do this.

I agree to go on the date with the Russian Barber. But just a vonce.