Not only am I guilty of looking into the distance mid conversation and wandering off in to my own world, but I am also a weaver of dreams that come in the evening when you are deep into an REM cycle. I have the ability to dream lucidly, and can differentiate from fantasy and reality, letting my “self” stand back in the corner and watch and evaluate. My dreams are bold and vivid, full of color and sound, and sometimes, smell. I have caught the sweet aroma fields of flowers, the harsh and sharp scent of fear, and the wholesome and savory smell of my grandmother's homemade cooking.
Several times, I have had a random celebrity come visit me. Marilyn Manson once found himself sitting across a table from me and we had an intellectually gratifying conversation about life and how to be successful. Madonna met me at a lounge in downtown Manhattan and spoke a lot of gibberish (literally, I had no idea what she was saying, but she looked fabulous) and handed me a check for $200,000 so that I can pursue my dreams. Mary J. Blige was looking in a bathroom mirror fixing her hair, and when I walked in, she turned and gave me sheepish grin, and high-fived me because I had “got some” (which actually, in my dream 2 minutes before, I certainly did, and it was damn good). We then proceeded discuss men and no more drama. More recently, Lady Gaga found herself in my living room sans make-up and costume. We sat on the floor, comfortably, playing cards and engaged in girl talk. She looked tired and it felt as if she needed a break and some time with a good caring friend who knew her as Stefani Germanotta.
Once in a while, I will have a dream that comes into fruition, and falls into the déjà vu category. When I have that jerk of realization that I have been here in my awake life, I deem it as a signal that I am on the right path because dream and reality are connecting, as they should. Except for the time that I dreamt that my television broke, and found out that my housemates cat knocked over his water bowl and it dribbled through their floor, through our ceiling, and into my television. I did not like that too much.
Years ago, I was dating someone that I was really into. While we were asleep, I dreamt that we were in a playground, and swinging really high on the swings, to the point where it felt the metal chain would carry us over the top of the swing set and over, but the feeling of flying was a stronger. After our time at the playground, we took a walk, and bought peanut butter ice cream. When we awoke, he rolled over and said to me “I had a dream that we had peanut butter ice cream. Yum!” I looked up from the pillow, and said,” That just happened in my dream!” Several months later, I realized that the playground was code for him being a big emotionally retarded baby. There have been other warnings in these dreams, in particular when another ex woke up from a nightmare and said someone was chasing us, and that he left me alone and kept running. Yes, Marcus did leave me alone when I needed him most. I should have heeded that back then. Then there was O, who I dreamt that we were on the phone. It was split screen. I was in the top diagonal, and on the bottom one was a little boy speaking to me, in his voice. Again, a warning.
Through all of these warnings, there has been someone coming to me in my dreams for years. I first saw him in High School. He is tall, dark hair, dark eyes ... I was sitting on a bench, and he came to sit next to me and chat. The conversation is of no memory, but the feeling of him being absolutely “right”, is. I saw him again years later in a rather long and detailed dream, about frogs. Yes, frogs. I had a small one sitting patiently in the palm of my hand as I was walking along the side of a highway (on the safe side of the aluminum barricade, of course). As I marched down the side of the road, I was filled with an overlwhelming urgency to find this frogs mate. Every few moments, I veered off to the side, through the greenery, off to ponds that were dotted alongside the road. In every pond, there were loads of tiny frogs. I would put my palm out, and think, is he here? Is he here? He wasn't, and I would bring the frog closer to my heart to keep it safe, and continue to walk. Along the way, there were moments of clouds darkening, an occasional collision on the highway, times when the sun was shining so brightly, that I had to squint in order to see the long road ahead. But I was determined, bordering militant. When I reached the end of the road, the frog disappeared from my palm. There was a bridge in front of me that crossed over a river. At the foot of the bridge, my father (the first man in my life) was waiting, with wife #3 by his side. I looped my arm through his, and he started to cross the bridge with me, and then he passed me off to someone else. I continued to cross with a younger man, and he quickly transformed to the one that always felt “right”. We walked to the end, making the crossing safely and with ease. I could not help but think, I have definitely kissed a helluva lot of frogs to finally get here.
This is not the end however, because he has been coming in to my dreams more frequently these past few months. Sometimes, he is in a car, or on a motorcycle, but always by the side of the road, and more often, to my rescue. The other night, I dreamt that I was jogging (ha, I KNEW I was dreaming because I was JOGGING) I fell, and he pulled up beside the road, and helped me to safety, as I was in the middle of the street. It’s quite funny, but he has aged a little and has gotten slightly chubbier since I first saw him back in High School. However, his presence always fills me with hope and leaves me with a positive and overwhelming feeling of love.
Have I met him? Maybe only in my dreams so far, but maybe not. Only time will tell. I can say this though, when my friends tell me that they don’t understand why I have been through so much craziness, met quite a few toads, and had some of the most insane experience with men, I tell them that I don’t mind. Those have all been good stories, but when the time comes, I know without any doubt or hesitation in my mind, that there is a love that is magical and real waiting for me when I get to that bridge.
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